Today my heart aches. I slept allll day. Didn't even take my son to school. I went to bed early last night cuz it was almost unbearable. Bentley is gone and I missed him so much. I miss him laying in my bed beside me, cuddling up to me, I miss his tail whacking against the walls when he walks. I miss his tail whacking against the lazy boy when he'd lay on it at night, and i'd walk into the kitchen, and I'd stop and baby talk to him, and he'd get up, and wiggle his bum, do this funny walk towards me, and I'd scratch his belly, and his chest. Oh God how I miss him. Here I am, sitting on my bed, and he should be here beside me sleeping. He's always tired and sleeping at this time. its 11pm.
I feel so weak, and dizzy. I haven't had my anti depressants in awhile. I guess I should call the pharmacist tomorrow. Jay pisses me off, saying that he misses him too. How fake can someone be. yeah, he misses him alright but he couldn't wait for him to go, all yesterday and the day before he was asking me, "when are they gonna come?" " have u talked to them yet?" "is she gonna call u?" " are you gonna call them?" yeah, thats someone who misses him. He didn't love him like I did. My son didnt' even cry. My son is already over him, cuz he didn't love him either. No one loved him like me. No one understood him like me. I swear I'm gonna resent jay for this forever. i will never forgive him for this. If he only would of helped me with Bentley, if only would of said yes to getting a trainer, and he would of been supportive of it. Instead he was only happy with Bentley when he was a smaller puppy, but once he got bigger, more difficult his only option was getting rid of him. I tried to take care of him by myself. I failed. Bentley deserves better than me. I wonder if dogs can remember you?
I wonder if Bentley forgot about me already? I wonder if he thinks of me? if he wonders where I am, and when I'm coming back? I feel so cried out. I feel like an empty shell.

Its been such a long time since I know who the hell I am. I have no clue. When I realize something about myself, I'm almost suprised and glad. I'm like "wow, I Do like this" or whatever. I dont' know what I want anymore. I feel like.......I can't love anyone. What if I can't. I don't know what love is anymore. I remember how it felt when I was so in love, and I haven't felt like that in years and years. I'm 25 and I don't feel like it'll happen again. I dont' know what the fuck is going on with me, I really wish I could talk to a psychiatrist or therapist ( is that the same thing?) or someone. I just don't wanna be here anymore. I'm out of hope, I'm out of love, I'm so disinllusioned with life.

Take care my sweet beautiful boy whereever you are. My sweet puppy. I love you now and forever. Please forgive me.

XO XO
still hoping I'm gonna wake up and see your beautiful sweet face.

Why is everything spiraling down uncontrollably, and yet I feel like I'm standing still in the middle of this blizzard of my life. I'm not just talking about my weight here. EVERYTHING. Life is teaching me that I can't  get happy, I can't express any excitement about anything because if i do...EVERYTHING GOES WRONG!!!! 
Like I'll take one example, the christmas party I had. I go to look for my ring, and IT'S GONE. Can you believe that, it's missing, my one and only gold ring with a little diamond but my bf gave it to me for christmas and it meant a lot. I know my son took it. He's 4 years old and get's into everything. and then when we're about to head out to the christmas party, the ticket is missing. My bf had put it on the fridge so that we wouldn't lose it, and then it was missing too! and without the ticket we weren't able to be in the draw for the prizes. Not that we would of won or anything because that goes against the law that says...She is to be without luck. Luckily we got in, I mean he did sign up but I couldn't believe how everything went bad. Oh and before all that I wanted to dye my hair a plum kinda colour, purple but not a bright purple. and when my hairdresser was done it just looked black. Why didn't he listen, he said he mixed in some red, chocolate, and purple. What the hell?!? I didn't ask for those colours. My hairdresser is a friend so I didnt' have the heart to say..."This isn't what I wanted!" so that was the last time that I'll ever go to him. Fuck it. I'll rather pay the regular salon price and walk out happy.
My bf got his vacation pay that we were gonna use to buy christmas presents, and somehow, we gotta use it on rent, groceries, and he's gonna buy perkacets. I know it. I hate my life. Plans don't work out. My bills are outta control. and what's worse, we're outta control. With out procrastination habits and his inability to make priorities, I fear that things will never change. I owe this gym money, I owe my trustee because I've had to go bankrupt, I owe Rogers and that's like $900 and they're all coming after me now. My trustee is letting me make payments of whatever I can afford cuz he knows that I work at coffee shop and can't afford much. I wanna give Rogers atleast $50 monthly, not to mention I owe my mom money and we give her payments of $60 a week. I gotta pay my phonebill and that's like $400, I gave them like $180 and I keep telling my bf he's gotta make a big payment or else it'll be like I payed nothing. And I hate that he gets mad and he goes.."WE'LL GET IT DOWN " and I'm like just by saying it isn't gonna make it happen. it's all those perkacets we buy. He says he makes money out of selling them but,....we're just always broke. I put myself last all the time. I need new shoes, and I can't buy myself nothing because I feel so guilty that I'm in so much debt. I'm depressed and frustrated that I can't control what's going on. I love him to death but.......I don't know. And I haven't even mention what he owes. I feel lost. I don't know what to do. How am I ever gonna make it. I mean, I haven't even mentioned the miscellenious stuff that we sometimes have to buy because we need. I make plans, and think .."ok, I'm gonna pay this, and next week I'll have this" and it never EVER works out. Everything is spiraling out of control, my mistake...IS out of control. And in the middle of all of this, christmas is coming. What am I going to do?
I wanna be numb...so numb because with all this stress, with the way I feel inside, I gotta deal with my outside. My disgusting ugly physical self and try to change it and fix it...it's too much.

My bf has a christmas party coming up this weekend at his work. I hate this. The planning of it all like what to wear.  Our friends are going and she's so skinny, looks great in everything and then there's me. The fat girl in her old rags. I feel so frustrated. I'm looking on line for ideas of putting together a nice outfit but then when I look at the models in the outfits, it hits me. I realize that that dress isn't gonna look that good on me. I hate shopping at the plus size section so I avoid it because I feel everyone's eyes on me, judging me, laughing at me. I hate the mall. When I want to walk into all those stores I get a heavy sense come over me that I don't belong.  I wish I can wear a sexy dress with some nice shoes, but I can't. IF i wear a dress which I haven't since my gr. 8 graduation it would have to be a long one. I just hope I can find something that'll look decent , like I'm not trying to be something I'm not.
I gotta stick to the plan, I'm not starving myself, I'm perfecting my emptiness. and oneday I know I'll walk into whatever store I want and buy whatever outfit I want. Till then the struggle continues. And for this exact reason is why I'm doing it. I HATE THIS FEELING of looking for something to wear. I mean I hate shopping. isn't that sad? aren't girls supposed to like shopping? but then again its just a stereotype.

OMG, I haven't even thought of my hair yet....ugh! well, l8tr, I got planning to do!